Yesterday I wrote 13,000 words an finished out the working draft of my novel. It still needs work, of course, but it's ready to go out to readers for feedback. The third act is loose and doesn't quite nail the ending, but by getting the rest of the novel written, I've got a clear picture of what I need in order to get that ending I want. Much of the setup for the miracle I'll need is done.
Today I went shopping for baby stuff and then needed a long nap, so no time for creative writing. I helped my husband edit a proposal for a writing project today. The problem is I touched his computer to do it and now the program he was using is non-responsive....
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
A productive Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I had a rather good one. Got 10,000 words written, which puts me well on track to have the entire novel done by the end of the week. I plan to spend December getting feedback and doing the last edits and tweaks before turning it in.
This novel outline, unlike the one before, I vetted through Covenant's editorial board. That isn't to say that they promised to publish it, but it means they were able to alert me to any issues that might lead them to reject it out of hand.
Meanwhile, the SF novel still sits on agents' desks. I haven't heard back yet from the one that has the whole ms or the one that has a partial. I'm assuming I won't over the holidays.
This novel outline, unlike the one before, I vetted through Covenant's editorial board. That isn't to say that they promised to publish it, but it means they were able to alert me to any issues that might lead them to reject it out of hand.
Meanwhile, the SF novel still sits on agents' desks. I haven't heard back yet from the one that has the whole ms or the one that has a partial. I'm assuming I won't over the holidays.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Recovering
So, I managed to stay up late last night and get a lot more words written. Nice when that actually works, but often the brain shuts off and all that comes out is bad writing that has to be deleted. I'm still behind where I wanted to be, but catching up. I've been hauling around scenes as I get the main storyline firmed up and the pacing where I want it. My hope is still to be done by the end of the week. We'll see!
Monday, November 24, 2008
Tired of my curse
So, I lost about 7k words that I'd written on my Asus. The file is gone, replaced with some nonsensical gibberish. I had emailed it to myself, same nonsensical gibberish, so I had to go back to an earlier save. Hence the loss of all those words. I am really tired of my curse. My curse is that computers and everything associated with them are out to get me.
Seriously. Here's a short list of how my history with computers has gone:
First laptop. Worked great for four years. Never a problem.
Second laptop, the company had to ship it 3 times because 2 got stolen out of the mail. The printer they shipped, they had to ship twice because the shipper (they changed shippers twice just for me) lost it. I took the laptop to the police and they glued a barcode on it, making it harder to steal. 6 months later, the computer died and I learned that the barcode is glued over the screw to access the harddrive. I had to get the police to pry it off, so I had a tattoo on my computer that said "Stolen", and this two days before I was set to fly home. The computer was non-functional for three weeks, while I was in my 3rd year of law school. The company kept asking me to do ineffective things like replace the RAM, then sent me a refurbished piece of garbage that made a loud grinding noise when turned on as a "replacement". My father had to eventually call them, and this is what steams me the most. They were fine jerking me around, but a deep male voice talked them into giving me a brand new computer. That computer worked okay for three years, another calm period in my computing life (while my work computer kept refusing to boot up unless a sysadmin was in the room - of course they thought I was just completely incompetent).
When the laptop died, I then inherited a laptop from my husband, which he'd been using for his thesis, and had therefore been put through it's paces. No sooner did I inherit it, though, than it's hard-drive controller spontaneously failed. Best Buy's Geek Squad refused to honor its warrenty, insisting it's software problems. I took the computer in to them five times, and they reinstalled the OS five times, insisting this would fix it (I do know how to reinstall an OS on my own, tyvm.) One of the times, the computer was already not working again by the time they tried to give it back to me. All my business with Best Buy is now done through their Santa Fe location, which honored the warranty at their own cost since the Geek Squad refused - even with Geek Squad employees agreeing with me that the problem was hardware and the computer was a lemon. Five visits to the Geek Squad took more than seven months.
My husband, in order to get me a computer to last for those months, tried to build me one out of parts he's used before. He had more trouble getting it to work than he's ever had. Finally he managed to get the OS installing, and the power went out in the house, crashing and damaging the hard drive. My husband had taken a long weekend to help me, and by the end of it was neurotic with frustration. He'd never had such a hard time with electronics in his life. He's an MIT grad who often builds his own systems.
So I ordered a new computer online. A desktop, which is supposed to be more stable than a laptop. The desktop worked for one year - the length of the warranty - then went on the fritz. It appeared to be overheating, and we tried everything. Finally, the only way to get it to run was to blast a fan right into it while it was on. My husband has ordered many machines from this company, including ones for his job, and never had a problem like this.
To replace it, I dug into my earnings as a lawyer and bought an Alienware, for two reasons: 1) gaming systems have to be the most robust of any system, almost and 2) I've never done business with them so they won't see my horrific track record and think that I type with a sledgehammer and use the CD drive as a coffee holder (hot chocolate holder, whatever). That computer has lasted two whole years!!!! If it can make it another, it'll be the cheapest computer per year that I've ever had. And so yes, this is why I blog from a Ridiculously Overpowered Alienware. This thing better keep working. It's freakin' water cooled.
A couple months ago, my replacement laptop from Best Buy died. My husband let me have his Asus to replace it and we get a better ultramobile for him. Asuses have no moving parts, no hard drive, it's all solid state. They also run Linux, not Mircrosoft. Can I break one? Apparently. I write my novel on it, emailing it to myself daily, and now have lost the entire file for no apparent reason. Thank goodness I'm used to backing up my work. Oh, and the Alienware, for no reason we can discern, kills our wireless every time it comes on. Whether it's on the net or not. We don't get it, and we're too tired to figure out how to fix it. Actually, it only kills the wireless for my Asus. Trevor's Acer can still surf the web.
This week I'll need the ultramobile because I'll be away from home a lot, what with the holidays. I am so sick of this curse! I spend more money on electronics than many geeks I know, and all I do is word process!!!! I love my husband too much to ask to use his ultramobile. I bet I could kill it....
Seriously. Here's a short list of how my history with computers has gone:
First laptop. Worked great for four years. Never a problem.
Second laptop, the company had to ship it 3 times because 2 got stolen out of the mail. The printer they shipped, they had to ship twice because the shipper (they changed shippers twice just for me) lost it. I took the laptop to the police and they glued a barcode on it, making it harder to steal. 6 months later, the computer died and I learned that the barcode is glued over the screw to access the harddrive. I had to get the police to pry it off, so I had a tattoo on my computer that said "Stolen", and this two days before I was set to fly home. The computer was non-functional for three weeks, while I was in my 3rd year of law school. The company kept asking me to do ineffective things like replace the RAM, then sent me a refurbished piece of garbage that made a loud grinding noise when turned on as a "replacement". My father had to eventually call them, and this is what steams me the most. They were fine jerking me around, but a deep male voice talked them into giving me a brand new computer. That computer worked okay for three years, another calm period in my computing life (while my work computer kept refusing to boot up unless a sysadmin was in the room - of course they thought I was just completely incompetent).
When the laptop died, I then inherited a laptop from my husband, which he'd been using for his thesis, and had therefore been put through it's paces. No sooner did I inherit it, though, than it's hard-drive controller spontaneously failed. Best Buy's Geek Squad refused to honor its warrenty, insisting it's software problems. I took the computer in to them five times, and they reinstalled the OS five times, insisting this would fix it (I do know how to reinstall an OS on my own, tyvm.) One of the times, the computer was already not working again by the time they tried to give it back to me. All my business with Best Buy is now done through their Santa Fe location, which honored the warranty at their own cost since the Geek Squad refused - even with Geek Squad employees agreeing with me that the problem was hardware and the computer was a lemon. Five visits to the Geek Squad took more than seven months.
My husband, in order to get me a computer to last for those months, tried to build me one out of parts he's used before. He had more trouble getting it to work than he's ever had. Finally he managed to get the OS installing, and the power went out in the house, crashing and damaging the hard drive. My husband had taken a long weekend to help me, and by the end of it was neurotic with frustration. He'd never had such a hard time with electronics in his life. He's an MIT grad who often builds his own systems.
So I ordered a new computer online. A desktop, which is supposed to be more stable than a laptop. The desktop worked for one year - the length of the warranty - then went on the fritz. It appeared to be overheating, and we tried everything. Finally, the only way to get it to run was to blast a fan right into it while it was on. My husband has ordered many machines from this company, including ones for his job, and never had a problem like this.
To replace it, I dug into my earnings as a lawyer and bought an Alienware, for two reasons: 1) gaming systems have to be the most robust of any system, almost and 2) I've never done business with them so they won't see my horrific track record and think that I type with a sledgehammer and use the CD drive as a coffee holder (hot chocolate holder, whatever). That computer has lasted two whole years!!!! If it can make it another, it'll be the cheapest computer per year that I've ever had. And so yes, this is why I blog from a Ridiculously Overpowered Alienware. This thing better keep working. It's freakin' water cooled.
A couple months ago, my replacement laptop from Best Buy died. My husband let me have his Asus to replace it and we get a better ultramobile for him. Asuses have no moving parts, no hard drive, it's all solid state. They also run Linux, not Mircrosoft. Can I break one? Apparently. I write my novel on it, emailing it to myself daily, and now have lost the entire file for no apparent reason. Thank goodness I'm used to backing up my work. Oh, and the Alienware, for no reason we can discern, kills our wireless every time it comes on. Whether it's on the net or not. We don't get it, and we're too tired to figure out how to fix it. Actually, it only kills the wireless for my Asus. Trevor's Acer can still surf the web.
This week I'll need the ultramobile because I'll be away from home a lot, what with the holidays. I am so sick of this curse! I spend more money on electronics than many geeks I know, and all I do is word process!!!! I love my husband too much to ask to use his ultramobile. I bet I could kill it....
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Dull blogging week
This has been a dull week for blogging because I'm trying to manage my sleep disorder. It cycles through various phases and the one I've got now is my least favorite. It's the one where I just plain don't feel tired, don't feel awake. I stay up interminably and there's nothing I can do about it. Lying down I don't relax or start to zone out, I just stare up at the ceiling until I get up again. I'm hoping the holidays jar me out of this.
Meanwhile, my goal is to finish this novel by the end of the month. That'll give me December for edits and such and thus I'll be able to sub it by New Year's. Sadly, being awake all the time doesn't give me any more productive time. Wish I felt like I could have my brain all the way switched on... Hope the novel's not utter nonsense (I am so grateful for my first round readers!!!)
Meanwhile, my goal is to finish this novel by the end of the month. That'll give me December for edits and such and thus I'll be able to sub it by New Year's. Sadly, being awake all the time doesn't give me any more productive time. Wish I felt like I could have my brain all the way switched on... Hope the novel's not utter nonsense (I am so grateful for my first round readers!!!)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Boring
Today I wrote and read. All day. It's the life I signed up for, but doesn't make for great blogging.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Reworking
I don't know why I need to rewrite every book something like three times, but so it goes. I'm reworking the LDS novel yet again. But, this is finally feeling like the last(ish) draft. The plot's in place, the rewrite won't be as extensive as the last redraft, the end is in sight. Right now it's 28,000 words, so less than halfway, but the initial typing can be done in as little as two weeks, depending on how things go.
Right now my biggest obstacle is having to read a ton of stuff for Critical Mass. Poor me, having to be one of the first to read the latest from S.M. Stirling, Walter Jon Williams, and MLN Hanover :-)
Right now my biggest obstacle is having to read a ton of stuff for Critical Mass. Poor me, having to be one of the first to read the latest from S.M. Stirling, Walter Jon Williams, and MLN Hanover :-)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Message from the Shiny people
By which I mean the editorial staff of Shiny, the YA speculative fiction mag, of course. I got my edits for my story, Root today and they look great. It made my job rather easy, as all I needed to do was read them over and give a thumbs up. The message did say it was the first round of edits, so there may be more on the way.
This and the payment for that other story are coming at a nice time (not that there's ever a bad time.) Things have been quiet in my writing life as I just work on getting this novel done. Lots of work and stress about whether they'll be a reward....
This and the payment for that other story are coming at a nice time (not that there's ever a bad time.) Things have been quiet in my writing life as I just work on getting this novel done. Lots of work and stress about whether they'll be a reward....
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Plotbust
Well, I didn't get as many words down as I'd planned today. I finally hit the wall hard, which is part of the process. I knew I could sit and write, but that I was drifting off course. These are the days that I dread, but that I also need. Every project of mine hits a phase where it is half formed and in need of a miracle to pull all the threads together.
The way I deal with this is to talk to my husband, or sometimes to Char. Today it was my husband. I always need a non-writer's point of view on what they think the story is about in order for me to re-focus and get the plot to come together. Trevor focused on one of the relatively minor characters, and in talking about them and fleshing them out, the rest of the story came clear. By giving this character more face time and more personality, the whole rest of the plot slots into place around what they have to say.
It is now later in the evening than I wanted it to be, and no doubt later than Trevor wanted to go to bed, so it often goes. It still feels good when the gears finally engage. There will no doubt be other hiccups as I finish out the second half of the book, but this, I suspect, was the big one (famous last words?)
The way I deal with this is to talk to my husband, or sometimes to Char. Today it was my husband. I always need a non-writer's point of view on what they think the story is about in order for me to re-focus and get the plot to come together. Trevor focused on one of the relatively minor characters, and in talking about them and fleshing them out, the rest of the story came clear. By giving this character more face time and more personality, the whole rest of the plot slots into place around what they have to say.
It is now later in the evening than I wanted it to be, and no doubt later than Trevor wanted to go to bed, so it often goes. It still feels good when the gears finally engage. There will no doubt be other hiccups as I finish out the second half of the book, but this, I suspect, was the big one (famous last words?)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Payday
Okay, so I didn't get paid a whole lot of money today, but payment for one of my stories that I sold to The Black Gate came through. Always a pleasant surprise to find a check in the mailbox. Now I just need to get it all the way to the bank without misplacing it.
I'm up to 27k words on the rewrite of my novel, so nearly halfway there. I didn't get as much writing done as I wanted to last week, what with the election and me taking a day to volunteer. That day wiped me out. I was just exhausted for the rest of the week. This week, I need to put writing first or I'll get cranky!
I'm up to 27k words on the rewrite of my novel, so nearly halfway there. I didn't get as much writing done as I wanted to last week, what with the election and me taking a day to volunteer. That day wiped me out. I was just exhausted for the rest of the week. This week, I need to put writing first or I'll get cranky!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Birthday present
For my birthday, my husband got me an ultramoble computer to replace the laptop that died so tragically a few weeks ago. My husband already had an Asus Eee PC and he ordered an Acer. I think he originally intended to just give the latter to me, but I pointed out that I would only be using my ultramoble for word processing, so he should take the one that had the niftiest bells and whistles for the what he likes to do, which is run investing models, stream videos, hack the Linux kernal, and really, I don't know what else. So he tried them both out and asked for the Acer.
I really like the Asus. It's very mobile and while the keyboard is smaller than standard, that only took me about a day to get used to. When our wireless is working I can do things like post on this blog from it. (It isn't working right now.) Even better still, the computer has no moving parts inside and no hard drive, which would make it theoretially harder to break (see if I still manage to do it. I bet I just might.) These two machines were also very cheap. We got both for the price of one laptop.
I got used to writing on a laptop type thing back in college. A laptop was my very first computer - it sort of had to be since I was commuting to school in the UK. I used only laptops through law school and what I like about them is that I keep continuity, writing on the same machine, wherever I am. Weird things, like adapting to a new computer, can knock me out of my groove. Ever since getting married I've used my husband's old laptops, and now that he gets supplied those by his job, he had no laptop to hand down to me when mine died. I didn't want to buy a whole brand new laptop, given that all I do is word process. Seems like a waste of money. I looked at Alphasmarts and other such devices, but it's hard to beat an ultramoble. It does exactly what I want and very little more.
I really like the Asus. It's very mobile and while the keyboard is smaller than standard, that only took me about a day to get used to. When our wireless is working I can do things like post on this blog from it. (It isn't working right now.) Even better still, the computer has no moving parts inside and no hard drive, which would make it theoretially harder to break (see if I still manage to do it. I bet I just might.) These two machines were also very cheap. We got both for the price of one laptop.
I got used to writing on a laptop type thing back in college. A laptop was my very first computer - it sort of had to be since I was commuting to school in the UK. I used only laptops through law school and what I like about them is that I keep continuity, writing on the same machine, wherever I am. Weird things, like adapting to a new computer, can knock me out of my groove. Ever since getting married I've used my husband's old laptops, and now that he gets supplied those by his job, he had no laptop to hand down to me when mine died. I didn't want to buy a whole brand new laptop, given that all I do is word process. Seems like a waste of money. I looked at Alphasmarts and other such devices, but it's hard to beat an ultramoble. It does exactly what I want and very little more.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
One Mormon's view on gay marriage
Below is a very personal post of the kind that I don't intend to make a lot of. Truth be told, I wouldn't post this one, except that I don't hear many others making these points. It is a personal set of feelings and assertions sadly devoid of citation. This is not because I'm lazy but because I'm exhausted. My health situation remains very poor, and to properly cite my claims would take a couple of weeks and all my daytime energy. For the same reason, you may find me quite reticent when it comes to replying to comments. It isn't because I don't care or don't believe in discussion, but because I've got to ration my reserves. I've got a novel due, a baby to bring into the world, and a crippling sleep disorder.
While I'm glad the election's over and am happy with the outcome - specifically because voters turned out in record numbers to cast their ballots - I do now feel depressed about the fate of Prop 8. Not because I'm about to go rogue and break with my church on the fundamental issue, but because I feel that this deserves to be a Pyrrhic victory. Yes, those who oppose gay marriage won. I don't like the way this happened. The Church was featured prominently in this fight. Now, there is a practical reason why we Saints really aren't primarily to blame; we don't outnumber gays in this country. There are roughly 6 million of us in the US, give or take, which would put us at 2% of the population. Gays, according to the last statistic I saw, were 8% of the California population. So, the LDS Church on its own did not decide the vote. We were part of a broad coalition that was well organized to acheive this end. But we are getting a lot of attention, and I think it's deserved. I think we really ought to take a good hard look at ourselves as we move forward on this issue. Here are some points that come to my mind:
We should be better informed about what homosexuality is. I'll just say it, I'm sick and tired of the ignorance and misinformation about homosexuality that I see passed around the Church membership. Common rumors include that homosexuality is the result of too much sexual experimentation. Homosexuality is a choice made by "confused" heterosexuals. Homosexuality is a result of gender confusion. All I can say to this is that the gay rights movement has been active since the 1950's. Make use of the information available. Learn something about sexual minorities. Learn what a homosexual is versus a bisexual versus a transvestite versus a transgendered person versus a sex-crazed lunatic who is probably mentally ill rather than a sexual minority. They aren't the same and often don't overlap, and for pity's sake, how can you not know this stuff?
When I was a kid, gays were dying in droves of this disease called AIDS. When I was in law school, a kid named Matthew Shepard had his funeral picketed and his picture superimposed over the flames of hell on a website. There was no way I could just sit by and know about these things without investigating the phenomenon behind them. People suffering, it makes me want to know who they are and what's going on. From this curiosity I learned much of what I still know about homosexuality, before my first friend came out of the closet to me, before I learned that one of my extended family members was gay, before I worked with any gay colleagues, I already had a grasp of the basics. My first real life experience with a real life gay person made me go, "Oh, huh, okay; I guess you weren't hitting on me then." And I moved on an we stayed friends. It didn't shatter my world. I already knew I had to be prepared; meeting a gay person was inevitable. In fact, I was honored that the person felt comfortable enough to tell me. It isn't easy. Many who know me are under the misconception that I grew up with a close gay friend. Well it's a partial misconception. Yes, one of my close friends in middle school/high school was gay. I did not know until we were 28 years old. He stayed in the closet while we were teens. I did not learn much of what I know about homosexuality from him, and I'm glad I studied up beforehand. I was neither surprised nor unsurprised to find out, though I did finally feel okay about not going to Homecoming with him.
We also need to understand that homosexuality strikes at random throughout society. Devout LDS families give birth to and raise people who feel same gender attraction. If for no other reason, we need to know what this phenomenon is so that we can respond to it intelligently when this occurs. More than once I've talked to Church members who honestly seem to think that if they teach their children the gospel and send them to Seminary, they couldn't possibly go gay. I'm pregnant with my first child. S/he could be gay. It has nothing to do with my parenting ability and everything to do with the random lottery of how our genes are put together. Thus, when I think of who I might be opposing on the gay marriage issue, I always remember that it could be someone very close to me whom I love more than I can say. Understanding homosexuality means being able to put a personal face on it.
We should therefore understand what we are asking of the homosexual community, and know our own history. Roughly a hundred and fifty years ago, our Church was asked by God to practice another form of alternative marriage, polygamy. This was difficult, even devastating for those called to take another wife into the family. Brigham Young himself said it made him "desire the grave" and that he felt jealous of corpses he saw in coffins for some time after the teaching was handed down. It's not hard to see why they struggled. I'd have a pretty hard time with this myself should I be called on to practice it (I'm not anticipating that I will). Many members of the Church have personal family journals handed down over the generations documenting this difficult transition to polygamy, and then what was, for some, an equally difficult transition away from it when the practice was discontinued in 1890.
Now we believe that God has asked us to oppose gay marriage. I'd rather be asked to again practice polygamy, or more to the point at hand, to give up my marriage and go celibate, and I dearly love my husband. Why? Well, this is what we're asking gays to do, and I'd rather endure the pain of following a hard commandment than ask other people to while I live in the relative security of my traditional marriage and family. It breaks my heart to have to take this position knowing how it will hurt my gay friends, and I am quite willing to hear their anger, frustration, profanity filled rants, etc. on the subject. I completely understand if they think I've got lunatic, believing that I should do this thing when it will hurt them so profoundly. I will follow this directive, but there's no way on Earth I'm going to rest easy about it. To do so, for me, is downright unChristian. It truly bothers me how many members of the Church shrug nonchalantly while carrying this out. To me this is commandment similar to being asked to cross the plains to unknown Utah. People died on that trek. Many didn't understand how this would help the Church; it seemed like suicide. In the end of the day it saved us, but it was a struggle and ought to have been. Sometimes God asks hard things, like putting our children in a situation where they might starve or freeze to death or dashing the dreams of our friends and family. We can be faithful and still find the task hard. In fact, sometimes I think it belittles us to find the task easy.
We should never use lies to further our agenda. Here is where I think that Church members have really misbehaved. For the record, legalization of gay marriage would not abrogate our First Amendment rights to continue our teachings. It would not lead directly to the disincorporation of our Church. It would not require us to solemnize gay marriages in our temples. Seriously... no one's forced us to solemnize second marriages by already sealed women in our temples or put a stop to us sealing men to multiple women in serially monogomous marriages. There's no precedent for the claim that gay marriage would be any different.
Also, gays are not responsible for the deterioration of the institution of marriage. This claim is outrageous. You can't blame a group for trashing a club when they've never even been inside said club, never been given membership. Heterosexuals are to blame there, and as a Church we work to shore up the institution and practice it according to what we believe is correct. But if there's anyone we want to take to task over the current status of marriage, let's restrict our criticism to those who have a legal right to it. A related argument is that if we let gays get married, than "anyone can get married." Um... we blew through that threshold ages ago. Heterosexuals marry for a plethora of dishonest reasons, for citizenship rights, to share health benefits, to please the parents. Banning gay marriage doesn't protect us from this. One of the ironies of the gay marriage debate is that those gays who want marriage represent one of the more conservative wings of their movement. They believe that marriage is important and meaningful. They want monogamous commitment. They want a stable, two parent household for their children. In fact, we've got quite a bit in common with them and they're being dead honest when they say that they believe they're working to preserve the sanctity of marriage.
What exactly gay marriage would do to the fabric of society is very difficult to say. We can look at other countries that legalized it, but there are different legal regimes and cultural factors clouding some of the data there. Honestly, I do not believe that we know. We'd be in uncharted territory. When I don't know something, I believe in saying that I don't know.
We should remember our place on the fringes of society. Just a little over a century ago, we members of the Church were persecuted for our alternative marriage practices and our unusual doctrines. When we take the offensive against other groups, we need to do it with humility. We need to not repeat the mistakes and tactics that were used against us, because if we aren't careful, we'll look like the ultimate hypocrites. In fact, I think we already do. I believe that we look like people who hold to our hearts our own tortured past, then use what societal legitimacy we've gained to be overbearing, insensitive, and offensive towards others who don't share our coveted societal legitimacy. That's shameful. Aren't we supposed to be great historians and genealogists? If we feel unfairly targeted in our opposition of gay marriage, well I just have to say that I think it's absolutely fair. We of all people should know better. I am not angry at anyone who holds us to this higher standard. We should rise to it.
So, because I feel that members of the Church often did preach from a place of ignorace, hypocrisy, and dishonesty, I'm not proud of Prop 8's passage. I'm not proud of us. I think what we were asked to do was a lot harder than what we actually did. Our hypocrisy ought to come back to bite us. I hope for our own good that it does, and if my state ever faces a gay marriage amendment, I hope we do our job right. That is to state our position clearly, compassionately, and with full understanding that it will be questioned, attacked, and that our fundamental answer that "this is what God wants" is not going to be widely believed. We should strive to accurately understand the legal ramifications and not blow them out of proportion. We should be willing to not only endure, but actually listen to our opposition and be able to say, honestly, that we regret the pain that our position causes them. We should not be overbearing; we should bend over backwards to appear anything but. We should not let this task be easy for us.
Is it possible to still win on the issue? Christ, when he sat down with a Samaritan woman at the well told her that he knew she had been married five times and was currently living as an adulteress. He told her that her religion was wrong and that "salvation is of the Jews", the Jews being an ethnic group who exercised vile prejudice against the Samaritans. He said all of this in a way that caused the woman to listen, and to run to her village to bring back others to hear his teachings. Until we too can say a hard thing in a way that doesn't undermine our expression of sincere love, sympathy, and desire for unity, we're never going to really be able to carry out God's work on the Earth. Yes it's hard. Impossible seeming. Anyone familiar with scripture and history shouldn't be surprised. This is the task we've been set, and I fear that as a cultural group, we took some dangerous shortcuts this time around that may in the long term erode any "progress" we feel we've made.
While I'm glad the election's over and am happy with the outcome - specifically because voters turned out in record numbers to cast their ballots - I do now feel depressed about the fate of Prop 8. Not because I'm about to go rogue and break with my church on the fundamental issue, but because I feel that this deserves to be a Pyrrhic victory. Yes, those who oppose gay marriage won. I don't like the way this happened. The Church was featured prominently in this fight. Now, there is a practical reason why we Saints really aren't primarily to blame; we don't outnumber gays in this country. There are roughly 6 million of us in the US, give or take, which would put us at 2% of the population. Gays, according to the last statistic I saw, were 8% of the California population. So, the LDS Church on its own did not decide the vote. We were part of a broad coalition that was well organized to acheive this end. But we are getting a lot of attention, and I think it's deserved. I think we really ought to take a good hard look at ourselves as we move forward on this issue. Here are some points that come to my mind:
We should be better informed about what homosexuality is. I'll just say it, I'm sick and tired of the ignorance and misinformation about homosexuality that I see passed around the Church membership. Common rumors include that homosexuality is the result of too much sexual experimentation. Homosexuality is a choice made by "confused" heterosexuals. Homosexuality is a result of gender confusion. All I can say to this is that the gay rights movement has been active since the 1950's. Make use of the information available. Learn something about sexual minorities. Learn what a homosexual is versus a bisexual versus a transvestite versus a transgendered person versus a sex-crazed lunatic who is probably mentally ill rather than a sexual minority. They aren't the same and often don't overlap, and for pity's sake, how can you not know this stuff?
When I was a kid, gays were dying in droves of this disease called AIDS. When I was in law school, a kid named Matthew Shepard had his funeral picketed and his picture superimposed over the flames of hell on a website. There was no way I could just sit by and know about these things without investigating the phenomenon behind them. People suffering, it makes me want to know who they are and what's going on. From this curiosity I learned much of what I still know about homosexuality, before my first friend came out of the closet to me, before I learned that one of my extended family members was gay, before I worked with any gay colleagues, I already had a grasp of the basics. My first real life experience with a real life gay person made me go, "Oh, huh, okay; I guess you weren't hitting on me then." And I moved on an we stayed friends. It didn't shatter my world. I already knew I had to be prepared; meeting a gay person was inevitable. In fact, I was honored that the person felt comfortable enough to tell me. It isn't easy. Many who know me are under the misconception that I grew up with a close gay friend. Well it's a partial misconception. Yes, one of my close friends in middle school/high school was gay. I did not know until we were 28 years old. He stayed in the closet while we were teens. I did not learn much of what I know about homosexuality from him, and I'm glad I studied up beforehand. I was neither surprised nor unsurprised to find out, though I did finally feel okay about not going to Homecoming with him.
We also need to understand that homosexuality strikes at random throughout society. Devout LDS families give birth to and raise people who feel same gender attraction. If for no other reason, we need to know what this phenomenon is so that we can respond to it intelligently when this occurs. More than once I've talked to Church members who honestly seem to think that if they teach their children the gospel and send them to Seminary, they couldn't possibly go gay. I'm pregnant with my first child. S/he could be gay. It has nothing to do with my parenting ability and everything to do with the random lottery of how our genes are put together. Thus, when I think of who I might be opposing on the gay marriage issue, I always remember that it could be someone very close to me whom I love more than I can say. Understanding homosexuality means being able to put a personal face on it.
We should therefore understand what we are asking of the homosexual community, and know our own history. Roughly a hundred and fifty years ago, our Church was asked by God to practice another form of alternative marriage, polygamy. This was difficult, even devastating for those called to take another wife into the family. Brigham Young himself said it made him "desire the grave" and that he felt jealous of corpses he saw in coffins for some time after the teaching was handed down. It's not hard to see why they struggled. I'd have a pretty hard time with this myself should I be called on to practice it (I'm not anticipating that I will). Many members of the Church have personal family journals handed down over the generations documenting this difficult transition to polygamy, and then what was, for some, an equally difficult transition away from it when the practice was discontinued in 1890.
Now we believe that God has asked us to oppose gay marriage. I'd rather be asked to again practice polygamy, or more to the point at hand, to give up my marriage and go celibate, and I dearly love my husband. Why? Well, this is what we're asking gays to do, and I'd rather endure the pain of following a hard commandment than ask other people to while I live in the relative security of my traditional marriage and family. It breaks my heart to have to take this position knowing how it will hurt my gay friends, and I am quite willing to hear their anger, frustration, profanity filled rants, etc. on the subject. I completely understand if they think I've got lunatic, believing that I should do this thing when it will hurt them so profoundly. I will follow this directive, but there's no way on Earth I'm going to rest easy about it. To do so, for me, is downright unChristian. It truly bothers me how many members of the Church shrug nonchalantly while carrying this out. To me this is commandment similar to being asked to cross the plains to unknown Utah. People died on that trek. Many didn't understand how this would help the Church; it seemed like suicide. In the end of the day it saved us, but it was a struggle and ought to have been. Sometimes God asks hard things, like putting our children in a situation where they might starve or freeze to death or dashing the dreams of our friends and family. We can be faithful and still find the task hard. In fact, sometimes I think it belittles us to find the task easy.
We should never use lies to further our agenda. Here is where I think that Church members have really misbehaved. For the record, legalization of gay marriage would not abrogate our First Amendment rights to continue our teachings. It would not lead directly to the disincorporation of our Church. It would not require us to solemnize gay marriages in our temples. Seriously... no one's forced us to solemnize second marriages by already sealed women in our temples or put a stop to us sealing men to multiple women in serially monogomous marriages. There's no precedent for the claim that gay marriage would be any different.
Also, gays are not responsible for the deterioration of the institution of marriage. This claim is outrageous. You can't blame a group for trashing a club when they've never even been inside said club, never been given membership. Heterosexuals are to blame there, and as a Church we work to shore up the institution and practice it according to what we believe is correct. But if there's anyone we want to take to task over the current status of marriage, let's restrict our criticism to those who have a legal right to it. A related argument is that if we let gays get married, than "anyone can get married." Um... we blew through that threshold ages ago. Heterosexuals marry for a plethora of dishonest reasons, for citizenship rights, to share health benefits, to please the parents. Banning gay marriage doesn't protect us from this. One of the ironies of the gay marriage debate is that those gays who want marriage represent one of the more conservative wings of their movement. They believe that marriage is important and meaningful. They want monogamous commitment. They want a stable, two parent household for their children. In fact, we've got quite a bit in common with them and they're being dead honest when they say that they believe they're working to preserve the sanctity of marriage.
What exactly gay marriage would do to the fabric of society is very difficult to say. We can look at other countries that legalized it, but there are different legal regimes and cultural factors clouding some of the data there. Honestly, I do not believe that we know. We'd be in uncharted territory. When I don't know something, I believe in saying that I don't know.
We should remember our place on the fringes of society. Just a little over a century ago, we members of the Church were persecuted for our alternative marriage practices and our unusual doctrines. When we take the offensive against other groups, we need to do it with humility. We need to not repeat the mistakes and tactics that were used against us, because if we aren't careful, we'll look like the ultimate hypocrites. In fact, I think we already do. I believe that we look like people who hold to our hearts our own tortured past, then use what societal legitimacy we've gained to be overbearing, insensitive, and offensive towards others who don't share our coveted societal legitimacy. That's shameful. Aren't we supposed to be great historians and genealogists? If we feel unfairly targeted in our opposition of gay marriage, well I just have to say that I think it's absolutely fair. We of all people should know better. I am not angry at anyone who holds us to this higher standard. We should rise to it.
So, because I feel that members of the Church often did preach from a place of ignorace, hypocrisy, and dishonesty, I'm not proud of Prop 8's passage. I'm not proud of us. I think what we were asked to do was a lot harder than what we actually did. Our hypocrisy ought to come back to bite us. I hope for our own good that it does, and if my state ever faces a gay marriage amendment, I hope we do our job right. That is to state our position clearly, compassionately, and with full understanding that it will be questioned, attacked, and that our fundamental answer that "this is what God wants" is not going to be widely believed. We should strive to accurately understand the legal ramifications and not blow them out of proportion. We should be willing to not only endure, but actually listen to our opposition and be able to say, honestly, that we regret the pain that our position causes them. We should not be overbearing; we should bend over backwards to appear anything but. We should not let this task be easy for us.
Is it possible to still win on the issue? Christ, when he sat down with a Samaritan woman at the well told her that he knew she had been married five times and was currently living as an adulteress. He told her that her religion was wrong and that "salvation is of the Jews", the Jews being an ethnic group who exercised vile prejudice against the Samaritans. He said all of this in a way that caused the woman to listen, and to run to her village to bring back others to hear his teachings. Until we too can say a hard thing in a way that doesn't undermine our expression of sincere love, sympathy, and desire for unity, we're never going to really be able to carry out God's work on the Earth. Yes it's hard. Impossible seeming. Anyone familiar with scripture and history shouldn't be surprised. This is the task we've been set, and I fear that as a cultural group, we took some dangerous shortcuts this time around that may in the long term erode any "progress" we feel we've made.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Election Day
Well, I did get home in time to watch my widget, and election coverage on four websites and two live video streams. It was a crazy day at the county clerk's office in Rio Arriba. That office did an excellent job looking out for the rights of voters; the craziness was due to rogue campaigners who went within 100 feet of the polling place, some misunderstandings about registration, and one insane situation where a former felon was told by a parole officer that he couldn't get cleared to vote unless he voted for McCain.
Then I came home, burned toast (toaster is broken), set off the smoke alarm, and ate in front of my computer (we don't get television - no antenna, no cable). I am happy to see the outcome. When I was a kid, I remember having some teenagers throw rocks at our house, ring our doorbell, and shout racial epithets at my Asian father. I am, frankly, stunned that my child will be born after we've elected and inaugurated our first minority president. S/he won't even remember the Obama presidency. It'll be taught in his/her history class. This isn't why I supported Obama, but it's quite a bonus.
Then I came home, burned toast (toaster is broken), set off the smoke alarm, and ate in front of my computer (we don't get television - no antenna, no cable). I am happy to see the outcome. When I was a kid, I remember having some teenagers throw rocks at our house, ring our doorbell, and shout racial epithets at my Asian father. I am, frankly, stunned that my child will be born after we've elected and inaugurated our first minority president. S/he won't even remember the Obama presidency. It'll be taught in his/her history class. This isn't why I supported Obama, but it's quite a bonus.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Election Widget
While I read a variety of news sources and don't particularly favor MSNBC, I thought this widget was nifty. I'm curious to see how it works. Of course, I may not get to see as I'll be out all day tomorrow working as a volunteer....
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Long day
This morning I went in to get a flu shot, and ended up getting sent to the emergency room. Fortunately, there was no real emergency. My baby, which had been kicking up a storm all week, felt like it stopped kicking me for about a day, and I asked the doctor if they could just check the heartbeat or something. They didn't have the equipment and my OBGYN's office is closed on Fridays, hence the visit to the emergency room, where they hooked me up to a fetal monitor. The baby is just fine, moving and kicking up a storm. Since I'm only at 21 weeks, it's normal for me to not be able to feel it all the time.
I don't plan to write a whole lot about my pregnancy or about my child once born. I guess I figure that it'll have enough childhood trauma, what with two total nerds for parents. The last thing it'll need is anecdotes from early childhood and baby pictures on the web for its prom date to go digging up eighteen years from now.
But I have a few little updates. We've had another ultrasound and the technician seems pretty sure it's a boy. I always have to be careful how I phrase that because it seems like I can't win with people. When I say it's probably a boy, I get people pouncing on me with stories about all the times they know of that the technician was wrong. (I know they can be wrong. I see the ultrasound pictures. I can't make out anything.) If I hedge any more than that, though, people start to say, "Ah, clearly you want a girl then." Um... no. I am totally indifferent. If I wanted to be able to order exactly what I wanted, I wouldn't be becoming a parent in the first place. I'd go into building classic cars or something. We plan to collect unisex clothing and nursery decorations, because even if this is probably a boy, we're hoping it isn't our only child.
We do not have names picked out yet. Even when we do, I plan to keep them to myself. There are a lot of months still to go and a lot of time to have different opinions and ideas.
I don't plan to write a whole lot about my pregnancy or about my child once born. I guess I figure that it'll have enough childhood trauma, what with two total nerds for parents. The last thing it'll need is anecdotes from early childhood and baby pictures on the web for its prom date to go digging up eighteen years from now.
But I have a few little updates. We've had another ultrasound and the technician seems pretty sure it's a boy. I always have to be careful how I phrase that because it seems like I can't win with people. When I say it's probably a boy, I get people pouncing on me with stories about all the times they know of that the technician was wrong. (I know they can be wrong. I see the ultrasound pictures. I can't make out anything.) If I hedge any more than that, though, people start to say, "Ah, clearly you want a girl then." Um... no. I am totally indifferent. If I wanted to be able to order exactly what I wanted, I wouldn't be becoming a parent in the first place. I'd go into building classic cars or something. We plan to collect unisex clothing and nursery decorations, because even if this is probably a boy, we're hoping it isn't our only child.
We do not have names picked out yet. Even when we do, I plan to keep them to myself. There are a lot of months still to go and a lot of time to have different opinions and ideas.
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